Are You “in Love” With The Idea Of Being In Love? Is This The Cause Of Your Marriage Troubles?

Posted by User Contributed

July 23, 2008

I have a question for you… have you ever heard of a concept called “the Ignorance Ethic”? This is a concept that is widely responsible for many marriage problems these days.

This is a term I use to express how absolutely ignorant we are when it comes to marriage. It has become clear that we’ve come to acknowledge the fact that we think it’s perfectly acceptable to remain ignorant about the subject of HOW to be married.

The “Ignorance Ethic” is what tells us there is no need to become educated about marriage before we take the plunge and commit to one person…for the rest of our life.

While some churches have made the decision to require pre-marriage couples counseling prior to marrying a couple, the majority of churches in the US don’t require this preliminary marriage education.

But why should they? All we need is love, right?

“Love conquers all”…as they say.

It’s widely understood that men don’t understand women in general.

And most men believe that it’s not necessary to make any extra effort to understand the unique woman they married.

And women are no different.

Women, in turn, need to know anything about men either. In fact, a portion of all women believe they can actually “change” their husband into the man they really wanted all along.

These “changes” could range from something small like messy eating habits to a much larger issue like a man’s values when it comes to having and/or raising children.

Complicating the Ignorance Ethic even further is the idealistic viewpoint about finding “your perfect soul mate”, being “compatible” and how “love is something you just fall into” - and is somehow supposed to last for a lifetime.

These misleading beliefs cause us to put forth little effort towards our marriage whatsoever, yet somehow we still expect to be happily married forever.

Sure, we all anticipate to run into a few bumps along the way, but nobody expects minor marriage problems to lead to major - often resulting in a divorce.

Most people’s outlook on divorce is, “oh, that will never happen to me.” And as a result, marriage always counting on the fact that all the tough issues will simply work themselves out.

In fact, one common statement I hear time and time again from “staying spouses” who come to me when their marriage is on the verge of divorce…

“I thought we’d get married and things would just work themselves out.”

Work themselves out?

When does anything in your life just work itself out? Don’t YOU have to do something

Don’t YOU have to take responsibility for the direction your marriage is headed?

Heck! Your wedding didn’t “work itself out”. The bride most likely lost sleep and strained the relationship working hard to make everything perfect for her special day.

That big event was not even CLOSE to “working itself out”.

So after a couple MAKES their wedding exactly the way they want it, they start living their lives together with the belief that their marriage, their union, their life - will all just “work itself out”.

Now doesn’t that sound crazy when you really think about it?

Take kids for example. You put great effort and responsibility into raising your kids. They can’t just take care of themselves….and neither can your marriage!

I hope that by now, you’re beginning to comprehend why millions of couples who promise to love, honor and cherish each other for the rest of their lives - often end up in divorce court battling over 401K’s, children’s’ loyalties and home equity.

In summary, if you’re struggling with marriage problems, first look at what brought your marriage to the point you’re at right now.

And please, before you even CONSIDER marriage counseling, or any other kind of marriage help, consider the following 5 questions…

1) Have you been neglecting your marriage by “keeping busy” with all the other so called, priorities in everyday life?

2) Are you stuck in a sexless marriage? Has your relationship lost the spark it once had? If this is true, you need to start meeting each other’s needs in different ways so you can re-establish the close connection you once had.

3) How often do the two of you spend time together?

4) If your relationship is at a point where your marriage problems are so bad that a divorce is on the horizon, think back to a time BEFORE things really took a turn for the worst. Were you there for your husband or wife when s/he needed you? If not, it may be time to change your lifestyle. It’s not too late.

The first step in ANY learning process is clearly defining what went wrong in the first place. And hopefully you’ve learned by now that marriage is no different.

and fulfilled as a couple, you need to be educated|Marriage requires education[spin] just like everything else you learn in life.

So my marriage advice to you is this…

While your marriage problems may not be your fault (you and your spouse simply didn’t know any better), it IS your responsibility to find a way to EDUCATE yourself so you can rebuild, repair and restore your marriage and save your family from the devastating effects of divorce.

And by the way…couples counseling and other traditional counseling methods are not your only options. There are other couples therapy alternatives that focus on finding a solution instead of just “dwelling” on the issues. Take the first step towards a better marriage today before you give up hope.

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